Sunday, March 8, 2009
Dealing with Death
Got a phone call today from a friend about a mutual friend who died yesterday. This lady was a mystery writer about Miami and we've known her for years before she was famous. She chose to keep her illness secret so of course, no one gets to say goodbye. Everyone deals with death differently. I had a client who I could tell was dying and he also refused to admit it. Maybe they just can't say goodbye either. What would you do if you were diagnosed with terminal cancer? Would you tell your friends?
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4 comments:
I think I would. When my mom was diagnosed this last time, she kept it from me and then sprung it on me, on the phone, with a bunch of friends she had called to "support" me. It was the worst possible way to find out: after months of secrets, with my friends knowing before me and then there to observe me as I reacted. I would want a friend to tell me that they were sick so I could help in the way only friends and family can. I understand your friend's instincts though. Dying is hard enough without the overwrought reactions of acquaintances and weirdness with friends. With real friends, though, nothing should change. We just know a little better when the end will come.
I think I would too. My mom wrote a note to all her relatives and friends telling them when she was given six months to live. Some chose to call and talk to her while others wrote back. I remember being told years ago that it was a fact of life that all relationships end sooner or later.
Whether I would tell them would depend on the nature of the friend and the friendship. I wouldn't be telling them in order to "say goodbye". Wouldn't want to get into that - too 'heavy', and it doesn't work.
When I have friends who have a known terminal illness, I maintain the same type of friendship. So if it is someone who I usually kid around with, or whom we go back and forth "torturing or tormenting" in jest, I just keep doing that. If it is a friend that I laugh and have good times with, I keep doing that.
Nobody wants sympathy, but those who are dying, and tell someone who then drops contact, usually feel terribly abandoned that their alleged friends just disappeared. Lots of dying people feel betrayed when those they thought were friends turn out to be just good-time Charlies.
But then, I have had a lifetime of helping people to die with grace and dignity. Also, I am not uncomfortable in the presence of death, as some are.
So I probably would not tell a person that I thought would just drop me stone cold when the going got rough. That, to me, is not a friend.
Was this Barbara?
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